The Phenomenal Oscars
“I BLOG, THEREFORE I AM”
I know blogs still exist. And the only reason that I know this is because every time I watch Tosh.0 and they are in the last segment of the show, Daniel Tosh asks every one watching to read their blog. I never read it because quite frankly, the only thing I read online is ESPN articles on the NFL and NBA and Yahoo Fantasy Football articles. And sadly, on quite a few occasions TMZ articles. I just need to know what Kanye and Kim are up to. Is that a crime? Oh and to see what Justin Beiber is doing also. That kid I tell ya, he’s stolen my heart.
Don’t get me wrong though, I used to have a blog back in the day. You may remember my stories from The Dylan Chronicles. No? On blogspot.com? I posted 26 blogs in 2008 and 17 in 2009? No one’s heard of me? Really?!? And here I thought I was blog-amous! Then why did I post so many times in those two years?? I guess forty-three posts in two years isn’t much in the grand scheme of the blogosphere is it? Nevertheless, I am back baby! And thanks to The Beta Report, I have a new outlet for my somewhat tall tales. The stories about the life I’ve led during my 37 year career as a human. So without any further ado…..
Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, children of all ages (13+ ), my name is the Commissioner but you can call me Rian. Yes Rian with an I not a Y. Why? Well because it’s a fun name I came up with after watching Topher Grace being interviewed on a late night show. Big ups to my man Topher who was not too shabby in Spiderman 3. Who am I kidding? He was terrible as Eddie Brock. Eddie Brock was a bodybuilding beast. Not some skinny Eminem looking p***y. And Toby Mag was decent in Spidey 1 and 2 but ruined it in 3. Especially when he was Emo Peter Parker. Who is Emo Peter Parker? You know that part in the movie where him and the alien make Spidey love and he starts dressing in all black and for some reason has that emo-flat ironed-side bang hair look whilst wearing black eye liner? I read all the Spidey comics when I was in my junior high days and I don’t remember Peter ever being emo. In fact, being emo wasn’t even a thing back then. The closest thing to being emo was being grunge. But that really just meant wearing flannels, ripping your jeans that your mom bought at Mervyn’s, and “borrowing” your brother’s Doc Martens the days he didn’t wear them to school. Thanks Jazz – I was cool/grunge for one day a month. Major props and sorry bro…
THE PHENOMINAL OSCARS
So the Oscars are upon us and I am sure The Beta Report guys are doing some sort of Oscar awards show where they talk about the movies that were nominated and who they think will win and yadda yadda yadda. I bet most of The Beta Brat Pack only watched The Revenant and The Martian. Maybe The Big Short and Bridge of Spies. I know most of them watched Mad Max: Fury Road since they always talk about it the way young teens talk about Harry’s long hair. Yeah, THAT Harry. Now if any of those dudes watched Room or Spotlight, I’ll be very impressed and surprised. I am pretty sure none of them watched either those two movies though. Quite frankly, I don’t know anyone who has watched Room. I mean, did anyone even know that was a movie before the Golden Globes? I know I didn’t. I know a lot of other people who didn’t either. But then again, I only know like 5 people so my numbers are the greatest to go by.
I actually started watching Spotlight but fell asleep halfway through it. Not because it was boring or anything but mostly because I watched it on a Sunday afternoon and all I ever really want to do on a Sunday afternoon (when the NFL is not in season) is take a much needed nap. That or chill at the park and wait for the sun to go down. But only if it’s me, Chiro and the homies. The amount of the movie that I actually DID watch was pretty interesting and intriguing to be quite honest. I should probably finish watching it at some point in time. I mean, a movie about how the Catholic Church has allowed priests to do not so priestly things to young impressionable boys has Oscar gold written all over it! Or at least it has “open your eyes Catholic Church, something is a foot!” written all over it. Instead the Pope is too busy having some tortas ahogadas in Guadalajara and bothering Mr. Trump about building bridges instead of walls. Take the plank out Mr. Pope. Take. The. Plank. Out.
I watched The Revenant in its entirety and it was a pretty bad ass film if you’re ok watching Leo grunt for almost 3 hours as he travels through the frozen wilderness looking for Mad Max while enjoying some of the most beautiful cinematography ever shot using only natural light. Don’t get me wrong, Leo was awesome in this film. But I find it hard to believe that he will win his FIRST Oscar for his portrayal of Hugh Glass—who by the way wasn’t even as bad ass as they made him out to be in the movie. I hope he wins though. He needs to win. It’s been long enough! Damn you Academy! I guess sometimes actors or movies that are meant to win with the much coveted Oscar never do…
A PHENOMENAL SEGUE
The year was 1996. I was at the movies with my cousin Pat and my buddies Eddie W. (EW) and Eddie B. (EB) I think we had just finished watching Independence Day and we were all buzzing on how amazing the movie was. That movie is still pretty sweet now actually. If it’s on TNT or something, I’ll watch it. That and The Italian Job. I have to watch The Italian Job every time it’s on TV. And I mean EVERY TIME. If it’s on Univision, I’m watching it. Marky Mark sounds just as amazing in Spanish. But I think it’s the Mini Cooper scenes that get me. I almost bought a Mini because of that amazing movie. Oh and I always watch She’s the Man when it’s on. I don’t know why but I love that movie! A terrible confession, I know, but oh well. We all have our guilty pleasure movies and She’s the Man is one of mine.
Where was I…oh right, Independence Day and Phenomenon. So we had finished watching ID and as we walked out of the theater towards the exit, Pat says “Chuta loco esa pelicula es la que quiero ver!”. EW EB and I had perplexed looks when we asked, “Which one? Phenomenon?”, to which Pat replied “Yeah dude!” Oh I forgot to mention, Pat had just gotten to America from Ecuador. So he was easily impressionable. But what was boggling to us was that we had just watched Independence Day! At that point in time ID was like THE MOVIE to watch. No other movies compared to it. But Pat was insistent on Phenomenon. So we ridiculed him a bit about his comment about wanting to watch this movie. He was intent on proving us wrong though. “Les digo que fenomeno va ganar el Oscar”. EW and EB both looked at me and started laughing. I said “Pat, there is no way that movie wins the Oscar”. “No loco de verdad, esa pelicua se mira chevere! Va ganar el Oscar!”. We all looked at each other and thought, “maybe he knows something we don’t know?”. So we decided to theater hop and sneak in to Phenomenon to see what all the third world hype was about and sure enough, the movie was TERRIBLE. Like it was BAD. It stars John Travolta and he’s some sort of mechanic that gets powers after getting hit by lighting or something like that. Like Powder Part 2. If Powder grew up, became a Scientologist/ mechanic and then started having powers. The movie ended and we walked out, looked at Pat and said, “that crap is going to win el Oscar?!?” He looked at us with his beautiful crooked third world smile and said, “Que? No jodan. Yo nunca dije eso!” Gotta love that guy.
I hope that whatever movie you feel is El Oscar worthy wins this year. It’s hard for me to say which I’d pick as the best movie of 2015 since I have only really watched three and a half of them; The Revenant, The Big Short, The Martian, and half of Spotlight.
And for those of you out there who think The Martian shouldn’t be considered a “Comedy”, should watch the movie. It’s not a drama, it’s not a musical, and it’s not a documentary or an animated feature. So it had to fall into comedy. It doesn’t help that Kristen Wiig is in it either and is hilarious without even doing anything actually funny. I think it’s in her face. Like, she has a funny face. Not that she is funny looking or anything but she just has a funny face. I don’t know but watch it. It’s a pretty good flick.
F. MORE'S PICKS
For those of you looking for my Oscar predictions here they are:
Best Picture: The Revenant
Mostly because Alejandro filmed the entire movie using only natural light (as I referenced before)
Best Director – Alejandro
(See above)
Best Actor – My heart goes with Leo.
If the LGBT has anything to say about this winner it will be Eddie Redmayne. I haven’t seen Trumbo but loved Mr. Cranston in Breaking Bad and it would be cool to see him win it for his role as Walter White acting like Dalton Trumbo. My heart however goes with Leo. He needs to win an Oscar already. He needs to at least win el Oscar.
Best Actress – I didn’t see any of these movies. But I will go with Brie Larson.
Since no one has heard of Room and she won the Golden Globe so that is as good as this guess gets.
Best Supporting Actor – Gotta go with my man Rocky!!!
If he wins, I’ll do my best Rocky and Apollo jumping and hugging in the beach wearing the shortest running short ever.
Best Supporting Actress – Kate Winslet.
Then her and Leo can re-enact the “king of the world” scene from Titanic!
Best Screenplay – Straight. Outta. Compton.
Gotta get one for Tupac! All Eyez on you PAC!
The rest of the categories? A saber. I probably won’t even watch the whole Oscar show. I’ll DVR it and forward to the best parts.
I should probably get back to work now. But before I go, I want to leave you with this food for thought….
“If I blog not, am I not?”
Dueces!